For a time, this blog was a safe place to vent about my deepest, darkest thoughts and feelings. I wasn’t looking for followers or anything, that’s why I rarely tag my posts. I thought, these are my most private thoughts and struggles, why would I want to expose them to the entire Tumblr/internet community so I can be judged?
Gradually, a few close friends came to know of this blog. I didn’t mind, I trusted that they would understand, or at least stay with me when I am in pain. It is still the case now, if you are reading this and you know me personally, you either mean/meant quite a bit to me or you’re a stalker.
Recently I’ve realized that this isn’t always the case. I received a message a few days ago, here on this Tumblr, by a person I thought I knew. This person had been through what I’d been through, but her message hurt me badly. I thought she knew better. I thought she would at least reserve her judgement. I came home from school that day feeling upset and low and then I saw this particular ask. Boom. All thoughts of harming myself came rushing back; for your information, in case anyone is interested at all, I haven’t cut myself one bit the past week, despite many things that would have usually pushed me over the edge.
That one message sent me into an emotional frenzy. I was about to dig out a razor when I saw another message in my ask box. It wasn’t from anyone I know personally, it was from a stranger. A complete stranger. She wrote a long message and it was that message of love and encouragement that made me give up on the notion of harming myself for that day.
And that was when I realized that in the past few weeks, while Kirsty has been away, I’ve actually received more support from people I met online than the people I see everyday at school.
I know you guys care. I’m really trying hard to view this situation logically here, from an undepressed mindset. Right now, as I am typing this sentence, I am trying so hard to ignore the tiny voices in my head telling me that “your friends don’t care, don’t care, they hate you etc.”. I know you guys care, from the way you guys treat me and help me out and tolerate my bullshit and I so appreciate that.
But recently the feelings of self-hatred worsened and I feel like everything is slipping away. Everyone I’ve ever known, they just seem to slip away. Because when I am in a state like this, I am emotional, uptight, lonely, angry, agitated and I really really hate mingling with anybody. I always try to sit at the back or corner of the lecture halls. I become jealous and insecure. I know this behaviour just pushes everyone away, eventually they’ll realize that I’m just not who they want to be around anymore and slowly begin to hang out with other people, it’s not fair to expect them to stick with me when I’m basically sabotaging ALL my social relationships.
I recognize this side of me very well. I was this person all throughout sec 2. When my then best friend and I began to drift apart because of my moodiness, I put it down to her lack of understanding. In sec 3 I no longer had any close friends and I just drifted around, until I found another core group that I hung out with. Even then, this gradually fell apart. This trend repeated in sec 4 as well. A friend I was close to went off to junior college and never looked back. I’ve lost her, forever.
And that is just the way I am. I lose people, that’s what I do. When I enter this phase of social isolation and emptiness, when I feel like I can’t connect to anyone at all, not even my parents and sister, when I feel so empty I feel like I can float away any second and so hated by everyone I just want to run away and hide, I know that this marks the beginning of me losing important people in my life.
I thought it would be different in poly. The people here are so nice and kind and open, I really like my class and thought, finally! A chance for me to fit in. But I never did, and I never will. No matter what I do or say or try, I will always be the odd one out.
I got down to thinking. Is it this blog? This blog expresses who I am, but it also happens to be where all the darkness is. Nobody likes a depressed person. FACE IT. Nobody likes a depressed person. At first people will be like, oh, poor you, I really feel for you and I care about you and I will send encouraging texts to you, you are my friend and I will never leave you because you are in pain and I will try to understand. And that is an amazing feeling, to know that you have a circle of friends who will support you through your condition. But over time, when the condition worsens or when the person (i.e. me) begins to exhibit strange and undesirable behaviour, people will get tired. “Why isn’t she trying harder? Why is she being so disrespectful to the rest of us? I know she’s down but hello everyone has their down times as well. We really can’t do this anymore she needs to get a grip etc.”
And that’s fine. I don’t expect anyone to understand. After I received that message from the person who said matter-of-factly that I was being disrespectful to the people who genuinely care about me, I realized that I cannot expect anyone to understand, just because they’ve been through it, or just because they’ve been with me since the beginning.
And I came to this conclusion: if I had just continued pretending to be happy and posting happy photos on facebook and not even told a single person this blog existed, maybe my friends will stick with me. Even if I have to lie every single day, even if I have to force smiles and fake laughter. At least they will still be my friends and we’ll hang out together. They’ll be like, “oh, elbie is getting so much better, she’s really nice to be around…hey, looks like we’ll definitely be good friends.”
Even though I might be cutting myself everyday and crying myself to sleep every night, my dark side won’t be out to influence other people. I’ve expressed who I really am on here, and I’ve realized that all it does is to destroy my social relationships.
It’s true what they say about how we should just keep to ourselves and never let anyone know anything, even if you are planning your next suicide. They keep saying, seek help seek help, it gets better, your friends will help you. But it doesn’t really work like that. It really doesn’t…
A friend once told me how it breaks her heart that everyday my facebook is so happy and my tumblr is so sad (not her exact words). I guess that’s what I mean. If nobody knows about my “sad” side, then nobody has to be broken hearted. If all everyone else sees is my happy side, then I’ll be treated like a normal person. I’ll be great and awesome and bubbly, just like how my facebook is.
It is a terrible feeling to already feel lonely then go to school and have that feeing intensified ten fold. All the people and I can’t catch up, I shrink away from social interaction. It really is quite a painful thing for me to do.
Okay, so the conclusion is that: I’ll try to stop posting on this blog often. I’m starting another one, and this time I won’t repeat my mistake again. Don’t worry, you guys will no longer be burdened by my URL address.
And if after reading this post, you are going to think any less of me, or want to write me messages telling me how I’m being selfish and not really seeing things the correct way, then YOU try living my life for one day. You try feeling so trapped and angry and tired that you just want to scream. You try seeing your friends slowly slip away and knowing that you can’t do anything about it. You try feeling such intense feelings of self-hatred that you seriously wonder if you are doing the world a favour by killing yourself. You try, and then you come and write that message.
This post probably came off as extremely pretentious and angsty and stupid. People are dying every day and here I am complaining about my blessed life.
I’ve said all I can say at the moment. I’m here on my own and that makes it all better because if/when I ever off myself, I won’t be dragging anybody down with me.